Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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