hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
