I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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