Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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