My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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