Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
