someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
