There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
