I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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