She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
