When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
