omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
