I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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