Apparently you make a good broom.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
