I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
