Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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