You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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