So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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