Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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