I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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