He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
