Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
