He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
