Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
