I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
