Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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