last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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