my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
