i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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