Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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