my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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