Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
