Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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