i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
