I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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