I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
