The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
