I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
