The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
