god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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