This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
