Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
where are you?
Hypothermia
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
