I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
