My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
