i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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