Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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