Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
