Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
