Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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