Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Two words: blizzard sex
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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