Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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