I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
