I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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