So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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