Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My dick has a subreddit
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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