I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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