I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
