i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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