It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
