shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
