there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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